cloverstar's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- light my fire my friend and i were talking today about how some people never end up how you'd expect them to, and others end up exactly as you imagined. it's so true. then i started thinking, what did people imagine for me back in the day? i can almost guarantee they thought i'd be on the news by now, reporting. ha! no. or acting or doing something more artsy than a stupid phd. so institutionalising, but so predictable for control. control the environment, control the person. my siblings have been equally predictable. i think i was the only one who shocked people with my actions. whatever, it's not going to change anything. i will always be the girl trying to find meaning and never making the cut. because i know this, it doesn't seem to matter. i've spent 2 days in my room...yes i've been going out and participating in life, but i'm supposed to be going to school, not staying at home. i'm so lazy, it's ridiculous. i have literally 2 years 3 months to finish my phd, and i haven't even written a word other than the organization of all of it. and apparently i'm right on progress. strange, right? it's been almost a year of nothing, and i've managed to thrive on procrastination. to think they're going to make a doctor out of me. sad. i'm sick of starting at the computer with the shitty words coming onto this screen. academia has made me a numb person. just as i expected it to. me 5:04 p.m. - 2009-05-21 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- what life is this i forgot about this. literally went 2+ months where i didn't think about anybody, anything or anyone. this whole d-land disappeared from memory. forgot how good it was to write, how my writing is gone. my brains have been sucked away at other things. i'm busy, busy being the girl who's as far away from this as possible. she's doing well, if you can measure it that way. she's got a new life. a new purpose. and once again she's getting too grandiose. i feel like the little leonardo dicaprio character in catch me if you can. i've created so many flawless identities, found so many me's that i can't even remember half of them. there are few constants in my life, but writing used to be one of them. now i find it hard to type anything more than two sentences. i've lost the ability to be myself on paper. distressed internally, i've pushed that part of me, shutting it in the back of my drawer. journals abandoned, a life unlived, no written account. it's sad, but that is who i have become. yet, i am by definition the happiest i've ever been, mostly because i've never done life so well. my popularity grows daily, a large city is starting to know who i am, in certain circles anyway. google has my new life pegged to my name. i'm no longer trying to eliminate my former self; google has long forgotten. so i have, too. me 9:38 p.m. - 2009-04-17 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- nothing wrong with me christmas went well. i was eating semi-normally and the family was oh-so proud of me. i got back and felt like i could do life again...it's a new year...new beginnings. no. so i am in paris. i am with a friend who knew me when i was very sick. like, when i went from being a semi-normal teenager to a self-destructive nightmare. she was there my last remaining weeks at uni before i was shipped off to rehab. she saw what had happened. she saw who i had become. despite this, she told me point-blank that she couldn't believe they sent me away, that there wasn't really anything that wrong with me. she said there were lots of sick people there who probably needed help too, so why did i get chosen to go away. (we were on a sports team together). i just stared at her. i thought of me standing on the scale in just my knickers hundreds of times a day, staring at all my ribs and shaking because the number wasn't low enough, wasn't good enough. i remember going to the doctor and he asked me to subtract 7 from 100 all the way down and i couldn't get past 93. i honestly tried, i even was allowed to use my hands but i couldn't do it. it was too complicated, 93-7. too much thought, not enough calories left for the brain. he was staring at me and the world was spinning and i tried but all i could say was 93. 93. 93. a week later i was sitting in arizona, so that had to be one of my last appointments with him. hmm. anyway, i don't even remember how i responded to my friend. i just remember saying in my head over and over, get to your room, get to a wall, stare at the wall, you will be safe. i don't even know if my friend noticed how she affected me, but i basically stopped eating. it's not because one person thinks that way. it's that i am now sure that the entire team felt that way as well. we're talking thirty plus people. i wish i didn't care, but i do. even though i wont see 85% of those people ever again, and even though this was 3 years ago. just to know that they thought it was pathetic for me to be there in the first place. in my mind it obviously seems like i wasn't sick enough...which i always thought anyway. the people in rehab told me i was plenty sick, but i always felt different. so that basically made me feel like i was 100% right. i wasn't sick enough, and i know exactly how to become sick enough. so ya, since then, it's been hard. i just didn't eat meals or restricted everything i ate...stopped eating actual meals and would order a side salad or a soup instead. i'd leave half of that as well. my friend started to notice this. she'd finish her full meals and eat all the bread and then be like are you not going to eat your salad? i'd say no, and then offer it to her. she'd eat it. so it became a pattern. i'd leave as much as possible so she would finish it. i became obsessed with this for the rest of our trip. when i left for the trip i felt a bit chunky. i came back feeling lighter and better. (ironic, isn't it.) my friend made a few comments like you're not eating, but i just kind of said ya...i know. i mean, it's not like i owe her anything. and i'm not going to hide who i am around her, especially since she doesn't even think i am sick. since i've been home it's been really good. i'm eating pure foods...just some all-bran and non-fat yogurt with flaxseed for breakfast, some egg whites with tomatoes for lunch and then egg whites again or some more yogurt or some more tomatoes or a banana. the weight is flying off because i'm exercising every day as well. 10 pounds from now i'll be underweight. yes, that excites me. yes, that is fucked up, but i don't care. i'm not really hungry because i just want to isolate right now. i don't want to see anybody. i want to be with myself. what i really want is to be so thin that i can't function. when i was staring at the wall that night i just imagined life and everybody around me if i was too thin. i imagined my academic people...my advisor who's stuck with me for the next 3 years. i imagined the head of school who already thinks i'm crazy. i imagined work people, but really, that's not going to last much longer anyway, so i'm not too concerned with how they think. i imagined my sports people, who really get to see me without layers of clothes. they'd notice...they always do. i get comments all the time if i 'drop weight'. they have no idea that their comments are my fuel when i'm trying to lose weight. but really, what matters most is the mirror. i imagine looking into it and seeing all my bones again. seeing all my ribs and my collar bone and my hips. i miss that terribly. i'm not talking becoming skeletal...i still want to function in society. i just want my old body back. and i will get it. after all, when i had it, there was nothing wrong with me. 7:15 p.m. - 2009-01-17 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- f*cked so i went to the real-life support group. it was good. i'm a bit terrified of the whole thing, mostly because i just can't believe it's all coming back to me so fast, but whatever. one thing about my ED is that i've never felt in control of it. sure, i may can control *to an extent* what i am doing, but at the end, the ED always wins. i always start out thinking i will be able to control it, but here we are, not even a couple months in and i am 100% helpless. fuckin a. i've no power over it...no power to say no. no power to stop anything or to take healthy steps. the only thing i can do is go to a damn support group and/or a damn shrink. the food power? gone. i've been purging again. puking up all day long. it's not like i want to, but the voice inside me...it says i have to, so there you go. another failed attempt at recovery. woe is me. am i scared? a little. i'm scared at the timing. i can't handle this right now in my life. i know next august i'll be free from a certain responsibility (which i also need to be physically fit for), and at that point i dont really care what happens to me. but now? i don't need this. all i can think about right now is quitting my job...even though i know i can't do that. if i quit that, i'll quit everything. i am an all-or-nothing person. last night i was watching the matrix for the 600th time, and it all just made so much sense. reality is not real. the senses we have are just the mind's reaction to stimulation. nothing matters. it's all a game. a game i love to play. kill the body, see if the mind can survive. i'm telling the shrink what's going on this tuesday. he'll know what to do. me 11:17 a.m. - 2008-11-22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- put yourself together i broke. yep. yesterday i had a realllllllly bad day. not to mention feeling like a fatass. so i was driving home, and all i wanted to do was get in my bed. it wasn't even 5pm. the traffic was bothering me...i couldn't get back to my side of the liffey, it seemed. so i was sitting on the bridge over the liffey, and then i just started to cry. it was one of those shaking cries, the ones that really hurt more than help. and all i could think was i need therapy. i need therapy. so to my luck, last night was an online support group meeting for eating disorders. i didn't want to do it, i don't have a problem, right? but i logged on and did it anyway. it's an interesting group...it's run through the irish eating disorder website, and tehy have facilitators to help lead the conversation and to make sure we dont talk about weight and all that. it was okay. i didn't come out of it feeling that much better, but it's better than nothing, right? i still don't know if i want this. i mean, i'm not even underweight. physically there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with me. but mentally, it's a different story. mentally all i can think about is food and weight. everything else is secondary. i just want to be thinner. thinner makes it better. it really does, and i still believe that. but, at the same time, i am a bit miserable. relationships are getting harder to uphold. every meal is starting to scare me. it's starting to hurt to breathe again. there is a real-life support group this wednesday. i'm terrified again, because i'm afraid i'm going to be so fat and everyone else will be so skinny. i remember back on an old group i used to go to, and it was really good, but i was just out of treatment. so i wasn't like the fattest person there. and yes, the skinnier ones make me jealous. i can't help it. but i'll try anyway i guess. i'll go in at least. hopefully it won't be horrible. i still go back to 'do i need this? really?' i don't know what that answer is. all i know is that if i were still seeing professional people, they would be concerned for me right now. so that kind of makes me feel that i should be concerned as well. and who knows, maybe all i need is to go to the support group. maybe it will make me feel better. i'd also like to go to a dietician, because maybe she could help me know what to do w/ food. my insurance gives me back 35 euro when i go to the dietician...maybe i'll email one. i'm so scared right now. i feel 100% alone in this. i can't tell my dad, he'd flip out. so i'm stuck alone. god i just want to go back to bed. me 9:07 a.m. - 2008-11-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- falling slowly i've put off my psych appointment. the office called and was like he has to reschedule, so i rescheduled, and then i double booked that time so i re-rescheduled the shrink again. no, i never filled the prescription. i still have it in my backpack, where i tossed it when he gave it to me. so i am sure he's going to be like 'it's been too long since we've seen each other...did you run out of meds?' i don't know what to say. i guess i'll say that i didn't fill the script for a week because i didn't have enough money. or something like that. ya, that will work. then i can say that i still have some pills left. hmm. it's a bit silly that i am going back to him anyway. as of now i am taking no pills at all. i'm even going back off my birth control haha. but i don't want him to know that, because last time i went off all my pills and stopped seeing him, i kind of went mad, and then it took me like 7 weeks to get another appointment with him. at least if i go in and see him 1x a month, he'll have me in his 'system.' he doesn't have to know that i don't actually take the meds he prescribes. i mean i will, maybe next time. i know i'm definitely going to say that i stopped taking the seroquel, that it made me really dopey. i took seroquel when i was inpatient...but nothing since. frankly, if i had my way, i'd 'get off' all those meds and go back to my xanax diet. i miss xanax. i used to have like 120 of them, but now i have 0. ZERO. where did they all go? i ate all of them. but dont worry, it took me like a year. so that's not that bad. i'm not manic like i was before. but i still can't sleep. and i'm not depressed either. so what am i? i can't be stuck in between if i am biPOLAR, can i? ohhhhhh why is all of this so stupid. one thing i will say is that i am a fat ass. sad. k sleep time. me 8:56 p.m. - 2008-11-13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- sleep all day drink all night i disappeared. but i am back. shrink took away my topamax. i could die. i still have a bit left, and because i am horror-show deviant, i already had an appointment scheduled with my jaw doctor, and he's the one who prescribed me topamax in the first place, so i am going to go back to him and cry 'migraines!' that will get me back on a script. i can't ask the GP for them because the GP shares the shrink's file cuz it's through school. so they all know what a loon i am when i walk in for like a sore throat. it's degrading, humiliating. but whatever. and then my shrink knows if i walk in with a sore throat, and what they did about it. it's annoying, but it's all free so do i argue? no. anyway, he put me on lamictal (snore), seroquel (interesting, but snore) and a sleeping pill (drug-induced snore). textbook bipolar. textbook i dont care. the appointment was over a week ago and i have yet to even consider filling the prescription. my next appointment is in 1.5 weeks and i'm supposed to report back how i am feeling. well, doc, honestly, i feel a bit FRUSTRATED that i dont know why im on all these meds. so whatever. that's my new motto. whatever. tomorrow is halloween and i am going to be very drunk. that is all. me 8:14 p.m. - 2008-10-30 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- obama. i got my scale finally. its beautiful. it was on sale somehow at tesco... it's digital and can show readings in stones, kilos or pounds. i have it in kilos cuz that's how i like to operate. i've lost even more weight. it's falling off of me. i love it. i dont want to spend my night on the computer, mostly because it's 8:30pm and i want to go to sleep. i wont be able to sleep until i take my sleeping pill though because i am still manic. damn the mania. i've had to start sleeping in my regular boxers and a spaghetti strap, PLUS long pants, socks, a t-shirt, a sweat shirt, a wool blanket, my comforter, and a comforter over the comforter. it's the only way for me to keep warm. plus the dog. one night i had to wear my uggs to bed..i was so cold. i sleep right up against the heater as well. i'm just a cold person, i guess. it's not like there isn't body fat on me. cuz jaysus is there. lord almighty. sick. i ran 5k today and it didn't even faze me. i am amazing. ok sleep. me 8:23 p.m. - 2008-10-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- scales and calories...my two loves. i ate: -2 low-cal toast (84 kcal) -tomatoes (30) -kiwi (25) -2 low-cal toast (84) TOTAL 801 exercise calories burned: 1218 kcal TOTAL EQUALS -417 wooooooot. i lost half a kilo according to the gym scale. i dont trust it. it's used so often that it cant be very accurate. i miss the doctor's scale, with the sliding metal over the numbers of my fate. i remember my old doctor...having to weigh backwards. i remember how he was solely an eating disorder doctor, and i went to see him after treatment and thought he could be fooled. the girl weighed me with me standing backwards, obviously...i just said that. they even had their charts configured so the number was hidden under some little slip of very thick paper. fat paper, if you will. so i thought she'd leave the chart in the room when she left. she didn't. and then, during our first visit, he came in and we were talking and he did so many tests on me that i was like delirious. oh, did i mention that i only saw him because i had relapsed. i wasn't in recovery. and he put down the chart to get some instrument and i knew it was my only chance and i darted my head over to the table and i saw the number on my chart. it was lower than my scale at home. and it was a beautiful number in my head. i saw other things he had written as well. slow response. confusion. delirious. cannot subtract numbers. (not like i could anyway). 'bright, but impaired by malnutrition.' none of that mattered. i had seen the number on his scale. his beautiful doctor's scale. and it was lower than my scale. i dont know if he knew i saw the number. he probably watched me look. it was probably a trick. it was probably not even my weight. well, who cares. this was like 5 years ago, but it still matters more than anything in my life. the number on the scale. it's more important than anything i've ever done or will do. of all my accomplishments, nothing is more important or rewarding than the lowest i've gone, or the lowest i will go. and no, i'm not sad or ashamed or embarrassed by this fact. for it is this. a fact. and i'm not going to hide behind it. im getting my own scale tomorrow. i can't wait. me. 8:53 p.m. - 2008-10-02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- a whole lot of shit in my head the collarbone is peeking out...just dying for me to lose weight so it can shine shine shine. i've hidden it under so much fat for so long. oh, my poor bones. where are they? :( i ate less than 1200 calories today, and burned 600 in training, according to the heartrate monitor. plus work. its not 9pm and im in bed. on the way home i was thinking of what i would eat for dinner, and by the time i got home all i could think of was my bed. i ate 2 yogurts and threw up one. accidentally. honestly. i ate the 2 and then i was just like i feel horrible. so 1 came back up. its the meds. topamax makes me really nauseous. i'm dying to know my weight. i'll try to sneak in a weight check tomorrow at the gym, although i'll be there at a busy time, so it's going to be hard. we'll see. i really just need to buy my own scale. scary, but i need to get it over and done with. i thought i saw my psychiatrist in the steam room after my last client today. i swore it was him, cuz he looked really embarrassed when our eyes met. i could see him staring at me through my peripheral vision. it was 2 men and me at first, then the other guy left so it was me and who i thought was my doctor. i was just waiting for him to be like 'so...'my name'...how's the topamax?'...so i went on the computer system and looked him up on the member list...he's not a member. so it wasn't him. no, it's not illegal for us to stalk our members. they sign a waiver when they join the gym so we, as staff, have access to all their personal information. they can choose to omit their mobile numbers or other forms of communication if they wish. i was kind of disappointed. i kind of wished it would have been him, just so next time i see him, it would be doubly awkward. as if it's not awkward enough. he talks so soft. ive heard others talk about their shrinks talking softly. my old shrinky would talk overtly loud at times...so loud that i'd get embarrassed and turn red. funny. but he's odd. oh who gives a shit. i know i dont. friend told me yesterday that it is obvious that i have lost weight. she wasn't saying it in a worried tone. just pointing it out. i told her its because my taste buds have changed. if she gets worried (she will, in the next couple weeks), i will be honest with her. i will tell her that since i cannot control things with ex, i am controlling things with food. it's not 100% true, but it makes sense. and i will tell her that i have seen ucd psych about it and am on meds. i will tell her it's really done a number on me, more than anybody realises, and since i can't control the situation (i really cant, cuz stalking brings back old memories im not even going to begin to discuss on here), i have to control it with food instead. this little happy comparison worked wonders for me in inpatient treatment. '[my name] couldn't control her home environment growing up, that's why she had an ED at such a young age.' i mean, really. they bought that? i was SIX and i thought i was fat. i KNEW i was fat. i stared at the mirror for hours all alone in my room, dying to be thin. at SIX. i did exercises. i had all those rituals. and it worked. it didn't have anything to do with my fecking environment. it had everything to do with my complete obsession with myself. im going to look more clearly at the narcissism personality disorder. oh fuck, i am drugged. is this what my life is going to become??? i FUCKING HOPE SO. me + drugs PLUS complete obsession with food / self. ok cant type anymore. <3 and luck me 8:53 p.m. - 2008-10-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1400. cow. i weighed myself at the gym today. i was early for my clients, so i went upstairs to the free scale (the one downstairs costs a euro..gay!). i got on and this lady walks by and goes 'it lies!' i was startled, but laughed and said something like 'oh it's not so bad, im just making sure my weight is the same, not higher or lower!' all chirpy since i'm an employee and all. maybe what i should have said was 'no, I lie.' but whatever. so i've lost 3 kilos since my surgery. that's 6.6 pounds. not bad, but i am no where near satisfied. i want to lose 5 more, at least. but i am afraid that if i lose any more than 5ish, i will really start to get the 'oh god she's relapsing' gossip. unfortunately, there ARE a couple people in this [un]fair city who know my 'situation' and will not let it get out of hand without stepping in. so i dont know what to do. i guess i will just play it by ear. i kind of hate that i have such a public job though. even on this, i have to be SOOOOOOOO anonymous. and i am still afraid that i will be tracked down. so i counted my calories today...and i ate 1400 kcal...but i swam 1hr 45 minutes and walked 6k...so i prob burned more than i ate. oh well. i dont care. im kind of hungry right now but i have no inclination to eat anything. i love the feeling of being hungry, and that is my problem, folks. i would much rather feel hunger than feel full. full = fat. hunger = thin. thin wins. and i am so fat that it doesn't matter if i am hungry because there is enough fat there to last me a month without food...really! ok i am going to bed. i am sick of journaling when i feel like my head is about to explode. i am sure these entries will get worse as my body adapts to fewer calories, so bear with me. but soon i will feel better. :) me 10:25 p.m. - 2008-09-29 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- fatty mcgee is toning up! well my tonsils are out. gone gone gone. the recovery was rough, i'll be honest. eating was the biggest burden EVER. it was even worse than when i had to eat to stay out of the hospital...mostly because i wanted the pain to go away, but eating caused so much pain. it was quite the unfortunate situation. luckily, it only took about a week for me to feel better, and by week 2 i was back to school, back to work, and back to regular life, albeit in a bit of pain. i have a shitload of painkillers left over. they messed up my stomach and made me depressed, so i just dealt with the pain. now, i only have a tiny little bit of discomfort when i swallow. we're talking tiny. and to know im going to go the REST OF MY LIFE without tonsillitis? well that's a lovely thought, folks. so i kind of cheated the dieting system. you see, when i was recovering, i had no desire to eat, and the painkillers took away my appetite, so it was easy to avoid eating actual meals. and since then, i've kind of skirted the whole food concept. so to add to this, i have started taking topamax. yes, i probably need it (or something similar) to help with the whole mania / bipolar stuff. but, you see, topamax is an appetite suppressant. i was actually prescribed it before i went into treatment because i had horrible migraines. and, of course, because i was obsessed with pills and what they were doing to me, i was more than delighted when i found out topamax was going to make me less hungry and lose more weight. so i willingly took it, and asked to be increased with all the naiveity in the world. so i had some left over from many moons ago, and started taking it when i got my tonsils out. so today i went to the shrink on campus and innocently told him that i had started taking it again, but that it wasn't working yet because i could only take a low dosage because of my dwindling supply. so he gave me a script for 75mg daily for a week, then up to 100mg. i am fucking ecstatic. he was like 'have you had any side effects on this in the past?' i was like 'oh no, this was one of the few medications that worked!' and then he asked how much i took and i said i thought i was on 200mg, but it could have been more. he was like 'wow, that's a high dosage.' but you watch, friends. in 2 months i'll be up to 200. you WAIT AND SEE. HAHA. i mean, seriously guys, SERIOUSLY. it's IN MY FILE that i have an eating disorder...do they not comprehend how manipulative and 'sneaky' we disorderlies are? i mean, really? like, i acted like a 3 year old trying to bribe a mum into letting me have a biccy. except im 20 something and we're talking about secretly prescribed diet pills. HAHA. so i am happy and i have my diet pills. last night at swimming the girls were all 'wow, you've definitely lost weight' and im like 'well tonsil surgery will do that to you!!!' so it's a perfect excuse. plus, if i keep losing weight, i can easily blame it on the fact that i'm actually training now for swim/fitness. i can say that i was naturally quite thin before they met me, and this is what i normally look like...which is actually 100% true. only they dont have to know how i get to thin. :) so anyway, i am fucking happy and fucking excited that everything is falling into place. my *fat* jeans are falling off of me at the moment. i can pull them off without unbuttoning them. i haven't weighed myself, but i had to get weighed when i got my tonsils out. actually, i was surprised. my weight wasn't toooooo heavy. i thought i was going to be like a bazillion pounds, but not so. so i've def lost weight from that, which is fab. i'm holding off the scales for at least a month or so longer. i just get so obsessed with them, and i'd rather just do what im doing right now. you know? ok, that's enough for now...back to the phd. ps i started morning swims...ouch...530 in the AM is no good! tomorrow we're doing a big long swim and prac is going to take like 4 hours...cant wait for all the calories to be burned off of my fat ass!!! me 9:59 a.m. - 2008-09-26 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- parsnip fries! i've never been gifted in the kitchen...mostly because i've hated food for the majority of my life. but of course now i am learning to cook because holy hell i am 20-something and it's about time i learned something other than my order at starbucks. and i dont want a tube down my throat so may as well eat. hhmph. so it was lunchtime today...i skipped breakfast because i wasn't awake. (dont worry, i never skip brekky..just this week with my lazyass sleep schedule!) i had just gotten back from taking my dog on a longass walk..over an hour. i wanted some toast...the bread was moldy. DAMNIT! so i looked for all the carbs in the house, and realised i had no bread, no crackers, no ANYTHING except porridge, and i can only eat that in the MORNING so off we go for other options. my fridge contains the following: diet coke, yogurt, fruits, oj, milk, veg. well feck me i have nothing to eat...so i rummaged around more and found a bigass parsnip. why might i have a parsnip? answer: i have no idea. i still don't know how to grocery shop, so i end up buying random shit and then i have no idea what to do with it... but i grabbed the parsnip anyway, peeled it, and chopped it into skinny fries. now what?! i put some olive oil in the pan...and decided to make french fries!!! so all i did is heat up the oil, dump in the parsnip fries, let them get nice and brown/shiny...added a spoonful of honey...tossed them around some more...added salt, pepper and oregano...waited some more...and then BAM! i had parsnip fries! they were DELICIOUS! i looked it up online and it says it's rich in potassium, fiber, vitamins C, E and B6, and etc...basically, it's good for me! I am delighted! so get to cooking friends! me 12:53 p.m. - 2008-09-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- hip hip? so i didn't sleep last night til 4am. couldn't even stop the shit in my head. i was UTTERLY manic. i still am. i've been talking to myself all day long..mostly out loud. people were staring at me. but i don't care? nothing really matters about people, you know. i simply do not care what they think of me. especially strangers. they mean absolutely nothing to me. i dont care how i affect them or if i affect them or if they even notice me. i simply do not care. but i was annoyed that i couldn't sleep. i wanted to sleep. i only slept last night because i got sick of the shit going around in my head and popped a xanax and 2 sonata. THAT'LL make the shit stop! but i am going to bed earlier tonight anyway...yes by using drugs. i dont care anymore. i need them. meh. so i have a psych appointment in a couple weeks. i haven't been to psych since like june. jaysus! that's like the longest i've gone in a decade! lol. poor me. so i am going to stock up on my meds. i need xanax for anxiety, some sort of ritalin/adderall for researching/writing, klonopin for the mental attacks, and hopefully god-willing some sort of major major MAJOR hypnotic go sleepy bye bye pill. worrrrrrrrrrrd. i've got the real pills...the zoloft for depression, the risperdal for the mania, the lamictal for the bipolar. i even have a bottle of ZYPREXA...which knocks me flat off my head. i dont know who or when or how i was prescribed it, but i only take a pill when i REALLY want the shit to stop, and stop for a LONG TIME. basically, they are only taken if i am suicidal on a friday and want to be normal by a monday...which doesn't tend to happen more than once a year. (thankfully!) so, basically, this paragraph shows that i am definitely obsessing about pills. which is odd because i am usually 100% anti-pill-taking...but you know that i change like the irish weather, so no worries. i have a pic from last weekend of me kissing my friend who happens to be a girl. i am also wearing a straw hat and i have no idea where it came from. so the question is, why was i kissing my friend, and how many other girls have i kissed whilst ballistically (new word) drunk and without a camera? HOT. haha. maybe i kissed a girl and i LIKED IT. ohhhhhhh way to include pop culture into my running commentary. tonight i was driving home from work and i completely, utterly, ran a red light. i almost got NAILED by a car. i didn't even NOTICE that the lights were red. but i had enough tact to swerve my ass out of the way when the car almost became my bmw's lunch meat. damn..that was actually a close one. i blame my inability to focus on ANYTHING without the assistance of medication. ok i know im bantering like it wasn't a big deal, but trust me, i know how lucky i was tonight, and i will take further precautions when i am driving in the future. i just..had one of those moments where my mind lapsed into some alter-reality. oh well. one more day of work and i am off for an entire week! well, that's not as good a deal as you may think...i am actually going to the damn HOSPITAL to get my damn TONSILS removed, so that's where i'm going...to the hospital. i can't wait to be back 'in-patient'...should be gas! maybe they'll take a secret brain scan and be like holy hell no wonder she's insane! and keep me there indefinitely, until i can be transferred to one of the lovely psych units we have here in this fantabulous country. oh, i met the lord mayor of dublin today. she was nice. i even got to see her black merc with the 08-D-1 plates... (here in eire we get numbers on our plates...the 08 is the year, the D is the county [dublin] and the 1 is the reg...mine is 05-D-*****...aka i have an 05 beemer from dublin! wahoo!) so the lord mayor gets the first car of the year...the lord mayor is also replaced annually, so i wonder if this one gets to keep her 08-D-1 car...cuz being mayor for a year and going away with a brand new merc is a PRETTY GOOD DEAL. so that makes TWO lord mayors i have met this year...the mad yoke from cork and the d4head from dublin! wahoo! now if only i could wear their gold medallions...gotta work on that! so i cant wait to look in the papers tomorrow and/or friday to see if any of my diving into the river madness with the mayor watching me made any newspapers. i hope they did, mostly because i am obsessed with myself and would love to see a big fat picture of me in the newspaper. no, really. so cross your fingers, lads and lasses! tonight i get to start a BRAND NEW JOURNAL...as in book journal where i write my REAL DEEP DARK feelings. or basically just rehash the gayness of the day in bitchy writing every damn day of my life. last night i had 8 pages left in my old diary, and i went manic at 3am and was like feck it i'll write 8 pages! i have yet to re-read the madness that emptied out on my diary pages, but i can assure you that they are probably as mania-driven as the shit coming off my fingers for this entry! so 3 cheers for being manic. (hip hip?) one thing that i am very happy about at the moment is that i am writing freely, without any sort of planning or contemplation. mania does that to you. you are simply oozing with content to be written. hell, if i would have been manic when i did my thesis, i could have published it into a book, not some measely little pamphlet thing that i sadly have turned in to forevermore be associated with my sad little name. oh well, i only have 2 copies of them floating around the world, so hopefully one of them goes in the trash, and the other stays deep within the compounds of the archives at my university. cross your fingers, folks. ok me and my dog are going to sleep. enjoy the days folks. me 11:14 p.m. - 2008-09-03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- manic <3 <3 <3 i am utterly manic and loving it. i ended up not moving in with the 2 boys, and instead moved into my own little place right on the sea. i completely lucked out! so i am loving it. and i am also loving being single and not having to worry about anything related to boy. he's been texting and says he misses me a lot, but i dont even care? isn't that so horrible? like, i spent over a year of my life with him and i dont even care about him anymore. thank you mania! it's kind of just how i live life. deep down i dont really care about anybody except myself. honestly, i am 100% selfish, but at least i know it. like, of course i would care if a friend got sick or whatever, but it wouldn't really AFFECT me. maybe i'm too cold-hearted. i just don't seem to care! anyway, i am loving this manic-induced stupor. i feel on top of the world...i AM on top of the world! everybody keeps complimenting me on everything you could ever think of. even at the freaking BANK yesterday i got stuck in a security-doorway with a lady and she goes 'my goodness you look so healthy. are you a swimmer?' i grinned and was like 'ya i am, plus i work in a gym!' she was delighted and i was too. i think i must have inspired her someway with my healthy appearance. wahoo! and everybody at work is like 'omg you look so happy!' and im like i know right?! i can't stop smiling and i cant stop spinning! it's like, the best feeling ever. tomorrow i get to do a photo shoot in the river in the city centre for the newspapers here in ireland. it's for the annual swim this saturday. i hope that i get a good pic of me in the papers!!! can't wait! other than that, i have been going on lots of walks with my dog and swimming every day. next week i get my tonsils out, and then the week after my life starts back again...aka i start my PhD...i am not looking forward to it but oh well, i can't help that i refuse to get a real job so instead i wile away at university. i simply cannot wait to get a phd...mostly because i just want to write it on everything. isn't that so silly? but i dont care. i want to be a damn doctor and i will be a damn doctor! ok time to hopefully induce sleep some how. ps people read 'poppy shakespeare' by clare allen...SO good if you can ignore the whole london-english thing. bleh. (no offence!) me 12:14 a.m. - 2008-09-03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- the end i broke up with boy. after 14 months, i had to let it go. it wasn't going to work. i am miserable. it's hard to breathe and i'm so scared because i've never been alone in this town. i have limited support with friends and absolutely no professionals to deal with me. i'm a mess. i'm barely eating because i have no appetite, and find peace when i am hungry, because it matches how i feel inside...aching. im moving to a new house with 2 lads next week. i hope it works out okay. mostly right now i just want somebody to come visit me. somebody like dad or sister or cousin. not that they would (i asked). i absolutely cannot sleep at night. i lie there miserable with my stuffy nose from all the crying. i look like a train hit me over and over, car after car smothering my dreams and my confidence. i am a failure now. a true failure. and i feel like a complete idiot. i was 100% certain he was the one. 100%. and then it all slipped away. at least now i don't have to fight for anybody. he was good for that. i tried not to hurt him with my self-destruction, but in the end i've only hurt myself. i tried, damnit, i tried. i fought every day to be normal. to eat 3 meals and to smile when i wanted to slash my wrists. now it's just me. i have no desire to be 'well' or 'whole'. i actually welcome my misery, because it's what i've always deserved. who was i kidding to think that i was worthy of normalcy. ya right. it wasn't going to work, and it's never going to work. i am me. a misfit with life-long issues that will NEVER go away, no matter how hard i try. i ignore and try to will it differently, but deep down i've always known that i'd fall apart. every time i drive by the mental hospital, i feel guilty because i know i belong in there, with people like me. it's all a facade of reality. i will break, and i will fall, and i will die again. basically, i will go back to being what i do best. me. 9:49 a.m. - 2008-08-19 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- im wearing a bikini next week?! im on a new health kick...no dairy, limited wheat. it's going well right now...i have to stop eating dairy and i know it. it makes me SO bloated and fat. i am ashamed to say that i weigh my absolute heaviest right now. but in a few KG's, i'll be back to where i used to be. i've lost 1 so far, and have to lose at least 5. easy peasy. i have this friend who used to be really close with me, and now has turned into a bitch and it pisses me off. my conclusion is that she is jealous of me. i know, it sounds shallow, but seriously. she just seems to be hiding this anger toward me. she's hostile and cold, and seems totally put out when i am around. i'm upset, but not majorly affected by it. i can't help that im not extremely overweight or at a loss for what to do with my life. whatever. she's not going to make me feel bad about myself or stupid. i've at least grown in that area...others do not affect me like they used to. thank god for that. now if people want to abuse me, i basically tell them to eff off. :) i am alone for a week. boy is away. next week is PORTUGAL and i can't wait! i <3 portugal. all i want to do is lie on the beach and forget all responsibilities. i don't sight-see or anything. just lie on the beach, begging the sun to tan me brown. yum. ok time to go back to work :( 11:13 a.m. - 2008-08-12 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- new beginings, same old shit hello. welcome. i've been here before...for 7 years actually. but i needed a new start. so here is me, cloverstar. here's a bit of information about me. -i have an eating disorder
it's weird to be cloverstar, after being [x] for so long. i feel like i should act a certain way now...even though that's ridic. for now, i just hope to make some friends and get a few readers...enjoy. me 10:34 p.m. - 2008-08-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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